Disney Announces "Pocahontas River Adventure" Log Flume: Because Apparently We're Still Doing That

CONTRIBUTED BY

Ratcliffe Golding

Editorial Optimization Manager

ANAHEIM, CA – March 7, 2025 – In a bold move that can only be described as “sure, why not?”, Disney Parks unveiled plans today for “Pocahontas River Adventure,” a log flume ride based on the critically acclaimed (by 1995 standards) animated film, “Pocahontas.” The ride, which will be cloned and pasted into both Disney California Adventure and Disneyland Paris, is expected to feature all the thrills and spills you’d expect from a water-based attraction that peaked in popularity around the same time as dial-up internet.

“We really wanted to tap into the nostalgia of our… checks notes… mid-90s demographic,” said a visibly tired Disney Parks executive, Bartholomew Buttercup, Vice President of Animatronic Squirrel Tail Fluffing & Confetti Deployment, while sipping lukewarm coffee from a “World’s Okayest Mouse” mug. “Plus, we had a bunch of leftover animatronic wolves and some vaguely ‘nature-y’ set pieces gathering dust in a warehouse. It just made sense, financially.”

The ride, which promises to “celebrate the timeless themes of cultural sensitivity and environmental awareness,” will reportedly feature guests floating through scenes from the movie while dodging strategically placed geysers and animatronic raccoons that may or may not be functioning correctly.

“We’re really pushing the envelope with this one,” added the executive, adjusting a slightly askew Mickey Mouse ear hat. “We’ve even included a ‘Colors of the Wind’ sing-along section, complete with animatronic trees swaying in perfect, if slightly jerky, synchronization.”

Cost-Cutting Measures Lead to Global Duplication:

In a move that industry experts are calling “genius” and “possibly lazy,” Disney has decided to build identical versions of the attraction in both California and Paris. “Why reinvent the wheel, or in this case, the log flume, when you can just photocopy it?” explained a source close to the project, speaking on condition of anonymity. “This way, we can maximize profits while minimizing creative effort. It’s the Disney way.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMXn0xy-wiM

Anticipated Highlights (or Lowlights, Depending on Your Perspective):

 * Meeko’s Mischief: Prepare to be splashed by a rogue animatronic raccoon wielding a suspiciously leaky water pistol.

 * John Smith’s Hair: Marvel at the gravity-defying hair of the animatronic John Smith, a feat of engineering that defies all known laws of physics.

 * The Colors of the Wind Sing-Along: Belt out your favorite lyrics while trying to avoid getting soaked by a poorly aimed waterfall.

 * A Final Plunge: Brace yourself for a dramatic drop that will leave you soaked and wondering if it was all worth it.

Construction on “Pocahontas River Adventure” is set to begin 2027, with openings planned for 2035 at both Disney California Adventure and Disneyland Paris. Guests are advised to bring a poncho and a healthy dose of irony.

"Pocahontas River Adventure" is set to open in 2035 in both the California and Paris Parks.